Miss Doctor and Mr Rose
by reddwarfaddict
Summary: An unfortunate accident leaves the Doctor's mind in Rose's body and Rose's in his. Can they switch back before anyone finds out and, more importantly, keep their dignity in tact?
1. Becoming You

**A/N: **Disclaimer: Why would RTD hire me?! I'm a fifteen-year-old freakish fangirl!

Yes, ANOTHER one. These useless pieces of fic just pour out of my ears. Many apologies. I have no idea how long this is gonna be, probably pretty short depending on what I do :/

* * *

Chapter 1 – Becoming You

The Doctor admittedly was a genius at times and Rose would do anything for him. She would trust him even if he was wired up to a lie detector; she would put her life on the line for one of his silly little plans in a heartbeat and she would even chase the impossible to save his life, but right now even Rose was in serious doubt.

"Erm, and what is that exactly?" Rose asked, trying to hide her nervousness as she stared at the thing the Doctor held in his right palm, looming over her bed like a mad axe murderer.

"This?" he asked in a bright voice, holding up the strange black sphere with tendrils sticking out of it, still wiggling with life. "This is a Hashmou, and it's gonna make you better!"

Rose sincerely doubted that. She trusted him and all but this was going over the top. Okay, so she'd been laid her in her mother's flat with a pulsating headache and painful stomach for just over three days now, down with some kind of infection and Jackie blamed the Doctor, of course.

"_All those strange alien foods everywhere! Red peas! Blue bread!" _she had said, _"don't think I don't know Doctor!"_

She continued to eye the device warily from underneath a mess of hair, still curled into a ball with a hot water bottle pressed to her hurting stomach. "How's it work?"

He grinned, sitting down on the end of the bed and transferring half of the disgusting looking monster to the other hand, so it was split.

"It'll copy the virus from you and give it to me, I'll speed up the process so I'm only sick for a few hours which'll give my antibodies plenty of time to develop, after which I'll take a few of them and transfer them into you. That way they'll be able to duplicate, stick onto the antigens, clump 'em together, the cells gobble 'em up and eliminate the virus untiiiil…" – he paused for dramatic effect – "…et voilà! One healthy Rose Tyler!

"Why's that thing gotta be so…" She eyed it again with disdain. "…Squelchy."

The Doctor looked aghast. "Hey, I'll have you know that's an insult! They're just like spiders, one of the cleanest species in existence – they just look a little off the part, that's all. Spiders clean and preen themselves regularly, catch flies and dust yet all you humans do is scream at them. I mean, if they looked like bunny rabbits you'd _welcome_them into your homes."

"I don't mind spiders."

The Doctor cocked his head to one side at her, expression one of vague amusement. "Oh yeah? As I seem to recall when you found a spider in the TARDIS…"

Rose blushed, deep in embarrassment. "It surprised me. It was sittin' on my pillow just as I was 'bout to get in…"

"And that was an excuse to scream, run down the corridor to the kitchen where I was, scream some more, grab me by the arm, drag us both under the kitchen table and almost choke me to death?"

She shrugged weakly with a smile. "Just do it, whatever it is. I'm fed up of being in one place all the time."

He grinned back. "Ask and ye shall receive." He winked and placed one of the black squelchy monsters first on his head. Rose giggled. He looked like an idiot. He reached up with the other and placed it carefully on her head, and Rose felt the cold dampness of its slime as its tentacle wound themselves around her head and it stuck itself, fast. She could feel it pulsating and oozing yet more slime.

"Ready?" he asked, but didn't even wait for her reply as he triggered the process. Suddenly he began to feel faint and unnaturally cold – reality being just a dream. Why? This wasn't right…this wasn't right at all…

He lost his sense of balance and fell helplessly back onto Rose's bed, not making a sound but able to hear Rose's alarmed voice ringing in his ears.

He fainted clean away, Rose not far behind him.

* * *

Well, that one had gone wrong.

The Doctor woke up, bleary eyed and unfocused. He stared up at the holes in the ceiling for a moment, not really wanting to get up but knew he had to check on Rose's wellbeing. He strained his heavy head to look to the side, expecting to see Rose Tyler lying in the bed but instead he went rigid with shock.

"Uh oh," he muttered, though what came out was a high-pitched girl's voice, specifically that of Rose Tyler's. He was staring down at himself, already knowing that Rose's mind was in his body as his mind was in Rose's body. He paused for a moment, giving Rose in his body a small shove. "Rose? Wake up."

"Talkin' to yourself sweetheart?" came a voice from outside the closed door and the Doctor realised with a degree of dread that it was Jackie Tyler. Oh please, no. Any time but now. The door opened and the woman herself stepped through, holding a tray with a bowl of porridge and a cup of tea on. "You okay?"

"Umm…err…" he stuttered, caught off guard. "Yeah…" he said before quickly adding, "…mum."

"What's wrong with the Doctor?" she suddenly asked, looking down at the peacefully sleeping body of the Doctor. "'E said 'e'd got a cure, it's 'ardly time for a nap!"

"He…" he paused, trying to think of a plausible explanation. "Neuroses in the frontal lobe exerted a massive force of energy, burning out his glucose reserves causing a temporary neural shut down," he'd said before he could stop himself. Jackie stared at him blankly, seeing her daughter.

"'Scuse me?" she asked, confused. He mentally kicked himself.

"He was tired," he finally surmised, expecting a full interrogation for those three words but much to his surprise and delight Jackie didn't investigate. She was shaking her head in bemusement.

"I swear sweetheart if you 'ang around that alien much longer you'll turn into 'im…"

He frowned as she handed him the tray. "I don't really think so, mum."

"But 'e's bloody well gorgeous, I'll give 'im that."

His eyes shot wide open: part shock, part terror. "Umm…"

Jackie was watching her daughter's body, laughing. "Oh don't try and deny it, I _know _you like 'im. I may be old but I know the look."

"What look?"

She laughed. "The way your eyes light up when you look at 'im."

He just stared.

"Oh, don't worry, 'e gives you the look too."

"I do not!" the Doctor said before he could stop himself. Thankfully Jackie wasn't listening, adjusting his body in which Rose currently occupied on the bedsheets to make it more comfortable.

"And don't think I didn't see you peekin' through the doorway at Christmas when I was changin' his clothes!" she finished off as she crossed back to the door and gave him a wink, before stepping outside and closing the door.

"Eurgh…!" the Doctor moaned softly as he curled in on himself, retching at the pure disgustingness of the situation. "Arrggh…"

"Doctor?" his own voice suddenly asked from next to him and the Doctor looked down to see his own body's eyes shooting wide open with long, thin fingers snapping up to trace over the face in disbelief. "Oh my God what's happened to me?!"

"Rose shush," he hushed her quickly, placing his finger on her lips. "Calm down. We've switched bodies but I'll reverse it, I swear I'll reverse it."

She stopped, paused, and rested her hand on her chest. "I've got two hearts!"

"How'd you think I feel? I've got breasts!"

"Oh yeah, 'cause that's a tragedy!" Rose said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. It really made the Doctor's body look quite gay. "I've got somethin' in my pants!"

"I have _nothing _in my pants!" he retorted, gesturing in the vague direction. "We have to reverse this before your mother finds out!"

"Why can't we tell her?"

He paused, swallowing nervously. "She's…_told_me things Rose. I think it would be best for the both of us if she never found out."

She half-smiled, somehow already guessing what her mother had been saying, but not letting on. "So how do we reverse this?"

"We need to get the Hashmou back," he replied, getting out of the bed and scouting around the room. "It's scarpered. If we don't get it back we'll never switch back our minds. Did you see where it went? Rose?" He turned, seeing Rose staring at him. "What?"

"You move like a man!" Rose suddenly said, pulling up to sitting position. He rolled his eyes, suddenly exasperated for no reason.

"Of course I move like a man I've been one for nine hundred years!" he snapped, and then realised what he'd said. Rose realised this too, and started to giggle.

"You're gettin' mood swings!" she mocked.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!!!"

"Are-"

Jackie exploded into the room. "What the 'ell are you two blabbin' 'bout? Rose, get back into bed now!"

The Doctor stood still, somehow forgetting he was now Rose. He heard Rose cough slightly before he realised it meant him. He moved hastily back to the bed, climbing in between the warm sheets. "Sorry…mum."

"It's alright sweetheart." She looked at the tray she's given him and tutted, mother-like. "You haven't eaten any of your breakfast. A nice cuppa tea and some porridge, that's what you need."

The Doctor suddenly realised how ill he felt. Rose hadn't been lying at any rate; his head was aching as was his stomach, but he did rather fancy a cup of tea. Jackie turned to Rose, seeing the Doctor.

"Oh, so you're awake now are you? What 'appened to that cure?"

The Doctor watched Rose's eyes flicker towards his own as she pulled herself to her feet, almost staggering in surprise at the large height advantage she now had over her mother.

"Umm…" she started, garbling for a moment as he had done himself.

The Doctor saved her, "the Doctor realised it was for Merusian flu mum, he got a bit confused." Rose sighed relief and shot the Doctor a half-smile of gratitude.

"Yeah, that's me mu…Jackie, sorry."

"Not to mention you slept next to my daughter!" Jackie snapped, suddenly angry. Rose never realised before how much danger the Doctor was in every time he walked into the Tyler flat as her mother glared at her with true contempt.

"I…I…I'm sorry Jackie, I just got tired and…I didn't mean to okay?"

Jackie suddenly looked concerned, reaching up to Rose's forehead. "Oh sweetheart, you're not sick too are you? I can deal with Rose bein' grumpy but not you as well!"

"No, I'm fine," she said quickly, instantly trying to smile and looking casual. "Absolutely…" – she ventured for a 'Doctor-like' word – "…dandy?"

"Well, if you're sure. I'll stick the kettle on for you."

"Thanks," Rose replied as Jackie left, closing the door behind her. She turned to the Doctor, hands on hips. There was the homosexual look again. "We have _got_to sort this out."

"I know…" the Doctor muttered, sliding out of bed again and ducking to check under the bed once more for the Hashmou. "It's just…it's not in here."

"Which means it could be anywhere," Rose finished, sighing loudly. "On the Earth."

"It wouldn't have strolled far. For one thing they're very slow, I would doubt if it's even out of the estate yet."

"So we've gotta act like nothin's happened?"

The Doctor nodded. "Yep. So for starters, you've got to stop acting gay."

"And you've got to stop making me out to be a man," Rose pointed out with a slight bit of venom in her tone.

"Alright Rose Tyler," he straightened, broadening a grin. "It's time to teach you how to be a man."

She grinned back. "And Doctor, I hope the Universe is listenin', because it's time to teach you how to be a woman."


	2. No Looking

**A/N: **Sorry about the loooooooong wait for a craaaaaaap chapter. Been busy. No, really, school sucks!

Yes, it should be Miss. There you go.

* * *

Chapter 2 – No Looking

Rose sighed loudly for the hundredth time that minute, slapping her forehead with her palm.

"No Doctor," she moaned, "you're still swingin' your shoulders! You gotta drop your hips on every step!"

"It's painful!" the Doctor moaned, taking a few steps back to redo his walk _again._ "I don't get how you can do this _all_ day."

"Doctor we don't have enough time for this, just concentrate, okay?"

"I_am_concentrating!" he insisted, gritting his teeth. "At least I would be if you weren't jabbering on in my ear all the time!"

"Okay just relax, take it from the beginning, walk with me…" Rose took his hand, finding herself give it a squeeze. She shot him a side-glance, seeing her own face set in concentration. The way those brown eyes sparkled and glowed, the way her long blonde hair fell about around perfectly around her shoulders, those lips…oh those lips…soft, pouted…she was just dying to kiss them…

Ugh! What was she _thinking?!_This was her own body she was thinking about for Christ's sake! She couldn't help it if some perverted alien man she'd landed herself in felt constantly horny, could she?

Batting the thoughts away she watched the Doctor with his six hundred and ninety eighth attempt at walking. He was definitely getting better, slowly but surely.

"Oh that'll have to do," she said when they reaching the other side of the room, not realising she was being a little more than hurtful. "We don't have much time. It's ten o'clock, we should be out there lookin' for the Hashmou."

"You need to shave first," the Doctor pointed out correctly. Rose nodded and gave herself in the Doctor's body a sniff, looking disgusted.

"And a shower! God you stink."

"I know," the Doctor replied dejectedly, dropping his gaze to the floor. Rose was completely right…he was an eyesore. Rose looked up, frowning.

"Yeah, we both need a shower," she replied, completely misinterpreting him in a typical manly manner as she cross the room to the TARDIS already sitting in the corner of the room. "But let's agree; no lookin', okay?"

He nodded. "Agreed."

* * *

No looking…that was a good one, Rose thought as she began to strip down ready for a hot shower. Could she help but be a _little _intrigued? It was like Pandora's Box…the temptation was agonising, but she knew she shouldn't…after all, the Doctor wouldn't look at _her_. Maybe. Hopefully. 

She was standing stark naked in the middle of the bathroom now, waiting for the water to get hot. She ran a hand over firm biceps and – without looking down – an even firmer abdomen. He had chest hair. Wow…his fingers were so long…

She checked the mirror, seeing the unshaven face and bedhair. Shaving might be a bit of a challenge, but she could deal with the hair fine. The Doctor hadn't been lying at the Olympics, for a while she _had_ pursued a career in hairdressing.

She tested the water – nice and hot. She hopped into the shower, taking the Lynx shower gel and squeezing it out into her palm. She couldn't help think as she lathered and caressed the Doctor's body in the gel the fantasies she'd had of doing this…though she'd never imagined it quite like this. Then her thoughts turned back to the agreement. Not looking. She wasn't looking.

"Don't look, don't look, don't look…" she muttered over and over again, trying to avoid touching it as she washed her legs. "Just don't…don't…"

She heard something fall onto the bottom of the tub, knowing it had been the gel. Before she knew it she was looking down…

Her eyes widened.

"Bloody hell!"

* * *

No looking? _No looking?! _How was he supposed to do that? They were huge, inches away from his face and just…_there…_

He had always prided himself on keeping his feelings contained but this was too much by far. This would be the most agonising shower of his entire life. But still, Rose wouldn't look at him so he couldn't look at her.

But _Rose _didn't have it staring her right in the face, did she? She had to consciously _move_her head. He just had to stand too straight in the mirror and there they were reflected back at him, so round and firm…juicy…

_No!_ He hit his head with the palm of his hand. He _had _to stop thinking about that! Curse this inept human hormone control; it made him wonder why they didn't just jump each other every other second.

He looked back to the shower, testing the water. Hot. Jumping in he reached for the shower gel, seeing a fruit scented selection of them on the shelf. Strawberry, raspberry, apricot…why did women insist on smelling like a fruit bowl? Rifling through the selection he almost squealed as he realised she was missing the most important fruit of all…

Banana.

* * *

Okay, so she'd seen it. But it wasn't the end of the world, was it? The Doctor didn't have to know…what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him after all, and considering the fact that he'd probably looked at her it didn't seem _all _that wrong. But still, he was an alien, and aliens were bound to be different anatomically. They had two hearts, right? So therefore it only stood to reason the reproductive system would differ aswell. Maybe not two, just a gargantuan long one. 

How on Earth could he possibly hide something like that?! It was one hell of a chat up line, at any rate: "hey baby, my pants are like my ship…they're bigger on the inside!"…

She was calm. Cool, calm and collected; that was Rose Tyler. She dried herself off, got dressed and did her hair. Now for the hard part.

The electric shaver was out of batteries, so her only alternative was the good old razor blade and foam. She'd seen Mickey doing it, watched people on television do it. It looked so simple.

She spread the shaving foam over her face evenly, picking up a razor from the side and lifting to her skin.

Ten minutes later, she was still frozen in that position.

* * *

Crossing the bedroom to the wardrobe from the en-suite wrapped in a bright pink and fluffy towel, the Doctor breathed a sigh of relief. He'd made it through the shower through the skin of his teeth. Now to get dressed. 

He rummaged through her underwear drawer feeling slightly like a perverse intruder but knew it couldn't be helped. He picked out various pieces of silk and strings, eyes boggling and hormones rushing when he drew out a French frilly pink thong. After a few seconds he finally dug out a pair of tight boxer-looking underwear with lots of cartoon dogs' faces on them stating 'Woof Woof' on the band. He pulled them on; pleased it hadn't required any looking.

Now for a bra. He picked the first one he saw, a grey padded C-cupped one with multicoloured dots. He gulped back the hormones as he held it with cups in palm. Who knew getting dressed could be so erotic?

He slipped his arms in and then readjusted it on his breasts. He hadn't seen, not even the _tiniest_glance. He reached around to the back, fumbling like a novice with the catch as he tried to fasten it. No matter what angle he put it, it wouldn't fasten! He gave a grunt of frustration as he gave it one last tug and the whole thing came off instead.

Tears poured down his face, distraught with the fact he couldn't do it. Why was he crying for Rassilon's sake? It was just a stupid bra catch…stupid, mean, horrible…

"STUPID GAY RETARDED BRA CATCH!" he suddenly yelled out loud, stamping his feet. "I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"

Gathering up the bra and holding it to his chest, he stormed out of Rose's bedroom and into the hallway, ready to seek guidance from Rose. He almost walked into her coming the other way, seeing the foam smeared onto her face with a razor blade in hand.

"Shaving problems?" the Doctor proposed, and she nodded. She observed his situation carefully.

"Bra problems?" she proposed back, and he nodded meekly.

"I'll shave you if you do my bra," the Doctor said the sentence he'd never thought he'd say in his entire life.

"Deal," she agreed.


	3. Women Problems?

**A/N: **Yes... have nothing to say.

* * *

Chapter 3 – Women Problems?  


"Rose sweetheart, what're you doin' up?" were Jackie's first words as they stepped into the front room, finally fully cleaned and clothed. "You should be in bed."

"Sorry mum, just needed a walk," the Doctor said quickly, shooting Rose a side glance.

"Alright sweetheart, but you'll get back into bed won't you?"

He nodded, raising a small smile for his – he gulped – mother.

"Hungry?" she asked, directly addressing the Doctor in Rose's body, but instantly Rose took this to mean her.

"Yeah actually," she said before she could stop herself, her deep voice coming something of a surprise even though she'd have thought she'd be used to it by now. Suddenly Jackie went rigid, expression one of vague surprise as she stared at Rose.

"I was actually asking my _daughter_if you don't mind, Doctor," she replied coolly, staring at her with incredible disdain. Rose went bright red.

"S-sorry…" she stuttered, head dropping to the floor. Jackie raised an eyebrow, laughing.

"No comeback? No insult to the 'uman species, eh Doctor?"

"Mum…" the Doctor decided he'd had enough of this. "Leave he-…him alone, would you?"

She sighed, loudly. "Alright. Have some fruit Rose, it'll make you feel better." She disappeared into the kitchen, leaving the Doctor and Rose alone in the living room. They quickly turned to each other as Rose reached for some fruit.

"Okay, I think she's buying it," the Doctor commented, checking Jackie had closed the kitchen door behind her. "We've just got to keep it up for a bit until we can start tracking the Hashmou down."

Rose nodded, taking a bite into the pear she held. "And how long is that gonna ta…" she suddenly trailed off to nothing, pulling the pear away from her mouth and staring at it with disgust. "Urrgh!" she shrieked, dropping the pear onto the table and grabbing her throat as the horrible taste course its way down into her stomach. "Oh God that's disgustin'!"

"Yeah by the way, I don't like pears," the Doctor said calmly, dropping onto the sofa and readjusting his bra. He was attempting to hide his amusement – and failing dismally.

"You coulda warned me earlier!" Rose growled, close to regurgitating.

He was laughing out loud now, unable to hold it in. She desperately wanted to slap him but knew she'd only be slapping her own body. She put on a smirk and quickly bit into an apple to get rid of the taste.

"Yeah well it's not me who'll come back to this body and have the taste in their mouth for weeks!" she declared. That shut him up. Infact, he seemed to have an expression of mild shock on his face.

"Rose…" he whispered, suddenly paralysed in his seat. "Something's…oh Rassilon…Rose!"

"What?" Rose asked, her amusement dying down as she registered his shocked expression. Was her body okay? She instantly began to get worried as she moved over and knelt down infront of him. "What's wrong?"

"Rose…" he moaned again, "oh please, help me…"

"What? What is it?!" she demanded to know, shaking him by the shoulder.

His eyes snapped back to her, filled with fear and shock as his tone lowered into a hysterical whisper, "something's coming out of my bits!"

Rose stared at him. "Umm, what?"

"There!" He gestured towards the area between his legs. "Something's coming out!!!"

Rose realised what it was, and all anxiety dissipated. "Oh, you mean you just got your period."

"My what?!" he shrieked in a whisper, "what do I do?!"

She was almost laughing now. "Your period! Have you never heard of a period?" His expression said it all. "Okay, calm down, it's not serious. You need to go to the bathroom and check the cupboard. On the top shelf there's a pack of tampons. You need to put one in your hole, okay?"

"Which hole?! There are so many!" He was staring at her and Rose was now doing everything in her power to stop herself from dying of laughter.

"The one the red stuff is comin' out of."

"Red stuff!" he almost screamed in his whisper. "Blood? Oh Rassilon, I'm bleeding…I'm bleeding from a place I'm not supposed to be bleeding _from!"_

"Doctor it's okay! It's not really blood! And it's natural, alright? Just go do what I told you to. I really don't mind you lookin' now, okay? You're gonna have to."

"Okay…" He got slowly onto two feet, trying to make his walk look as casual as possible before he entered the bathroom.


	4. It's All Going Downhill

**A/N: **Sorry for really long wait. Hard to write this one :P

* * *

Chapter 4 – It's All Going Downhill…

"Eat up Rose, it'll make ya feel better."

The Doctor was just hugging a pillow tightly to his woman's body, staring ahead blankly at the wall. This was by far the worst day of his entire life. Forget the Timewar, that was _nothing._ This would forever be engraved in his memory as the worst incident he'd ever encountered.

He was acutely aware of Rose staring at him, urging him to respond to her mother; act like nothing was wrong. But how could he possibly do that? _Everything_ was wrong. He'd switched bodies with his own companion, found out her mother had a crush on him, thrown several hissy fits and poked about inside Rose's body _not even with his own manly finger _and it wasn't even midday yet!This was _definitely _the worst day of his nine-hundred year life by _far._

"Rose? Sweetheart?" Jackie's distant voice echoed in his brain, but he hardly registered it. Jackie turned to what she believed to be the Doctor, but currently was Rose. She frowned thoughtfully. Rose had better say something, quickly.

"I think she said something earlier…period pains?" Rose tried to act like she didn't have a clue what they were. "Yeah, that's what she said."

Jackie's expression instantly changed into one of understanding. "Ooo she should've said! I'll just go get 'er a hot water bottle," she said, and with that she disappeared into the kitchen, closing the door behind her. Instantly Rose launched onto her feet and stormed over to the Doctor, giving him an angry shove.

"What the hell are ya playin' at?!" she hissed, "mum's gettin' suspicious!"

In reply, the Doctor burst into tears.

Rose drew back, surprised as the Doctor looked up at her pleadingly.

"Please Rose," he croaked, "I just can't take this…I dunno why…I'm so exhausted…I just can't do it anymore…"

Rose suddenly felt the instant instinct to hold him tight, so she did. "Hey shush, it's okay, you're just having problems controllin' your hormones, all right?"

"Stupid hormones," he cried, "I hate them!"

"I know I know, but soon it'll be all over and we'll go back to bein' ourselves. You've just gotta hold on a little while longer, for me, okay?"

After a pause and a sniff, he nodded against her chest. She'd never imagined comforting a crying Doctor, never mind a crying Doctor inside her own body. He was sobbing beneath her grip, his tiny delicate frame held within her strong encasing arms. She could smell his scent, so beautifully enticing and flavoursome. God, she wanted him, she wanted him so badly…

And her anatomy seemed to agree with her.

"'Ere we go!" suddenly Jackie's voice came from the doorway, and Rose paled to absolute white. She quickly grabbed a cushion and threw it over her crotch, knowing if her mother saw the Doctor's body reacting to her daughter's body she'd go nothing short of stark raving bonkers.

"Aww Rose, sweetheart, what's wrong?" Jackie asked the Doctor, handing him the hot water bottle she held. He just sobbed, trying to push it down but failing dismally. Rose discreetly pulled away with the cushion placed tactfully on her lap, turning before slowly making her way across to the bathroom hoping to the God she didn't believe in that her mother had not even the slightest inclination as to what was going on with the Doctor's body.

She made it.

Locking the bathroom door behind her she tried to get a grip on herself, thinking of disastrously overweight sludge-coloured aliens with six heads in attempts to try and stop herself feeling horny.

* * *

The Doctor wished he could stop crying, but he couldn't. It was bad enough breaking down infront of your own companion about the situation you were in, never mind infront your companion's _mother_.

For some reason he desperately wanted to tell her what was wrong, but knew already that it really wouldn't help their situation. Never before had Jackie Tyler hugged him with this much feeling, but he found he was _enjoying _it. She felt so incredibly like his own mother; the way she used to hold him. More tears slid down his face at the thought.

"Rose if you don't tell me what's wrong I can't fix it," she said.

"I can't take it!! I hate myself!!" he yelled, "look at me! I'm stupid, I'm fat, I'm ugly!! No man will ever like me!! Leave me alone, _leave me alone!!"_

He jumped onto both feet, sprinting into the bathroom with his head in his hands.

Rose span around as soon as he entered, looking like a deer-caught-in-headlights. The Doctor locked the door behind him, looking up at Rose. She had both hands over her crotch and seemed as though she wanted to be anywhere but there.

"Doctor!" she exclaimed, surprised. "What…"

"Rose, this can't go on," the Doctor said determinedly over his sobs. "I mean look at us! I keep thinking about dropping jeans sizes and how bad I look and you can't even look at a pear without getting horny!"

"For god's sake Doctor!" Rose burst out suddenly, hands flying off her crotch to reveal to him just how aroused she really was. "You're not fat and you're _incredibly sexy!"_

"You're just saying that to make me feel better!" the Doctor wailed back through tears, "why is it you can _never _tell me the truth?! You always have to be the _dominant _one!"

"What the _hell _are you on about?!" Rose snapped back, "when we put those curtains up in the TARDIS I let you have blue!"

"You didn't say you wanted a colour!"

"I wanted _pink!"_

"They didn't have to be blue!"

"Then why didn't you ask me instead of going on with it?!" Rose demanded. "What if I hate blue?!"

"But I love pink!" the Doctor screamed through tears.

"And I love blue!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!" Rose concluded, suddenly unable to contain her lust anymore as she launched out both hands and grabbed the Doctor's shoulders, pulling him forward and slamming her lips straight onto his. The Doctor couldn't quite comprehend what was going on and it took him a few moments until he realised that technically he was kissing himself. Wow, he was a _good _kisser.

Suddenly he was unbuttoning her jacket, yanking it off of her with his tongue still inside her mouth. Next came her shirt, thankful nothing had to be pulled over her head as to disrupt their kissing. She unzipped his hoody, throwing it on the floor before reaching up to his top and starting to undo the top buttons, redirecting her kisses from his mouth to his neck, slowly travelling downwards.

"_What the bloody 'ell are two doin'?!" _Jackie Tyler suddenly shrieked from out of nowhere, and Rose and the Doctor both span around to meet the horrified gaze of Jacqueline Andrea Suzette Tyler.


	5. PERVERTED ALIEN!

**A/N:** I know this chapter's awful but I gotta end it somehow, so I can get on with fresh, new projects :D This one has been hell to write. OMG! my Doctor Who Pest Control CD just suddenly appeared out of nowhere! That cheered me right up! Must go listen :D Catch y'all later!

* * *

Chapter 5 – PERVERTED ALIEN!

"I don't know what to say, Rose. Tell me what to say!"

The Doctor didn't speak. It'd only make Jackie madder than she already was. Instead he bowed his head even further than he thought possible, trying to avoid the cold, hard stare of Jackie Tyler as she paced up and down the living room floor with hands on hips. She sighed loudly.

"Okay, let's start from the beginnin'. How long 'as this been goin' on?"

"Well…" Rose and the Doctor both began at the same time. They then both stopped, and fell silent.

"Well?" Jackie demanded. "Have you 'ad sex?"

"No!" they both almost yelled at the same time.

"We haven't done anythin' else!" Rose insisted, accidentally dropping her put on 'Doctor' accent. "Really mum, we…" she paused, backtracking what she'd just said, "I mean, Jackie…"

Jackie suddenly stopped pacing, and smiled.

"I knew it!" she suddenly said, pointing at the Doctor in Rose's body. "You're the Doctor…" She pointed at Rose in the Doctor's body. "And you're Rose!"

The Doctor burst into tears again at the mere mention of the bodyswap. In an instant Jackie was at his side, holding him close.

"I j-just c-can't…" he stuttered through the tears, weeping into Jackie. "Pl-Please help us J-Jackie…"

"Of course I will sweetheart," Jackie assured him, rubbing her back. "Tell me what you need."

Rose spoke, "it's called a Hashmou. The Doctor thought it would cure me but it went wrong and we switched bodies. It's somewhere in the house, we just don't know where."

"What's it look like?"

"Alien. Black and sticky and squelchy and really eww."

Jackie laughed slightly at Rose speaking with the Doctor's voice. It really did make him seem gay. Though, she supposed, the man himself was _crying_ in her arms right now.

"God you two are bloody useless!" Jackie said with a sigh, pulling away from the Doctor who grabbed a cushion and began to hug that instead. "Let's get lookin'!"

* * *

When the Doctor woke up, he dared not to found out whether it had worked or not. They had found the Hashmou blindly scrabbling around a cupboard in the kitchen, had used it, and now he could only hope it had worked.

Jackie's face appeared in his vision, frowning a little. He blinked.

"Are you the Doctor, or Rose?" she asked. He paused for a moment before answering.

"The Doctor," he said, almost terrified of what was going to happen next. Jackie's face suddenly broadened into a smile, and the Doctor beamed also as he jumped up, hugging himself tightly and kissing his arms. "I'm me!" he said with glee, jumping around. Rose soon joined him, arms thrown around him in a huge hug as they celebrated.

Then something hit the Doctor, hard around the head. He turned in time to see Jackie Tyler standing behind him, a rolled up Radiotimes in her right hand. She whacked him again, and again, and again, oblivious to his cries of pain.

"Stupid alien!!"

_Whack!_

"Ow!"

"STUPID, STUPID ALIEN!"

_Whack!!_

"OW!"

"Abusin' my daughter!" she screamed.

_Whack!_

"Ow!"

"You only did it so you could molest 'er, DIDN'T YOU?!"

_WHACK!_

"OW!"

"You're one _perverted alien!"_

_Whack!_

"Ow!"

"Mum!" Rose yelled, jumping forward and holding her mum's arms to prevent her from hitting him anymore. "It wasn't his fault! He was trying to cure me!"

"LIKELY STORY!"

_Whack!_

"Ow!"

Rose suddenly stopped trying to protect the Doctor, eyes wide as she realised something was missing…

"Where's the Hashmou?!"

"You only want _sex _don't you Doctor?!"

_WHACK!_

"OW!"

"Mum…"

"And since my Rose won't give it to you, you had to go and find a stupid alien gadget so you could be inside her _somehow!"_

_WHACK!!_

"OW!!"

"Mum!"

"I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOIN'!!"

_WHACK!!_

"OW!!"

"LOOK OUT!" Rose screamed suddenly, and Jackie stopped dead in her abuse of the Doctor, who was wincing and holding his head. They saw it _far _too late.

The Hashmou jumped onto both their foreheads, pulsating and oozing slime. The Doctor was desperately trying to get it off his head, Rose helping him, but to no avail.

"No…" he croaked, silently passing out onto the floor. When he woke up, he'd be Jackie Tyler…

**The End**


End file.
